From Russia, With Love

From Pravda Online, September 3, 2009

Car manufacturers have long noticed that the sexier a car looks, the better it sells. Indeed, those dependable yet nondescript, dumb, small and sexless vehicles do not sell like hotcakes. It is only logical that people find certain things sexy in a car. No wonder recent surveys revealed that most women think there is a strong correlation between the size of a man’s car and his ego or his virility, for that matter.

The relation between cars and sex is quite obvious. A car can be easily used as a 'passion wagon'. (The slang term refers to a car or van used for purposes of dating or/and seduction). Forget stretch limos with cream leather upholstery – you can feel a thrill when trying a variety of positions even in the back seat of your Skoda or Lada.


Red Skoda!
Special car parks for the romantically involved on wheels have become quite popular in many countries. The facilities allow couples to make out in the privacy of their cars without breaking the law when it comes to public morals. Americans use outdoor drive-in cinemas for the same purposes, hence another popular slang term for the venue: a passion pit.

News flash from the USA to the former USSR, there are virtually no drive-in theaters left in America! America's new passion pit is Facebook.


photo c/o Wikipedia Commons

Red Lada, Large Penis!

....Boasts about his large dick, doesn't have the flashy car to back it up?? This article asserts that a man must have acquired expensive possessions to be sexually desirable, that a large penis will only get a guy so far. Well at least it gets the guy pussy! But seriously, it does posit an interesting theory: If you are a male endowed with a large penis, you should become an Alpha male and acquire possessions and wealth. Without these things, a hung man is just a "penis". Nothing wrong with that in my book. My upcoming book, which may take years to write, get published, etc. But I have dubbed this category of men "service males". Sexual service males. Women just use service males as life-sized dildos and don't care what they drive! It's not about the car, it's about the ride!

"A London man whose 11-inch penis has gained him many admirers among the female sex is nothing more than "a sad inadequate" who compensates for his inability to acquire a prestige motor vehicle by "continually boasting" of his sexual conquests while continuing to drive a second-hand Lada Estate, say his friends.


"It's pathetic," said a drinking buddy of well-endowed Bob Matthews. "All we ever hear is 'I gave this bird the full eleven inches', or 'she couldn't wait to get her laughing gear round the 11-incher'. The fact is, everybody knows that it took Bob three attempts to pass his driving test. Then he bought a Triumph Herald before moving on to the bloody Lada. What he really wants is a BMW, and that's why we have to put up with his continual bragging."

A leading psychiatrist confirmed this analysis, noting: "In a society where social standing is measured by possessions, failure to obtain an impressive form of transport may result in deep-seated feelings of inadequacy. Although Bob is exceptionally gifted in the trouser department, it's clear that this cannot compensate for his failure to acquire the car of his dreams."

Bob strongly refutes the allegations. "When you're hung like a horse, women don't care what sort of car you drive," he told The Rockall Times. "But when I win the lottery and get that fuc*k-off red Ferrari, then I'll be able to pull some real class totty."

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